Playing Along
by CJ Logan
Summary: I need to stop doing this. It used to be everything I wanted. And on some level it still is. But not like this; not this way.
1. Release

**Author's Note: **This is my first attempt at writing FanFiction, and I've also never written in this style before, so be nice. There will be more chapters to come.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds; unfortunately.

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**Chapter One – Release**

I need to stop doing this. It used to be everything I wanted, and on some level it still is - but not like this; not this way.

I can see you from my desk, through the window of your office, rubbing your temples. It's getting to you again; this chaos we deal with every day.

I sit, patiently waiting; any second now you'll call me to your office. To everyone else you'll need to go over a case with me, or you'll need me to help you with something. They're not completely wrong about the latter, but I'm sure they don't realise exactly how it is that you need me to help you.

You need that release that only I can seem to provide you with; you always told me that _he_ never could. Maybe that's why I keep doing it – it makes me feel needed. I guess in my warped logic, being something that you can pull at to rid yourself of your monsters is better than nothing. At least, in those brief moments, I get to be close to you; I get to feel you against me; I get to pretend you are _mine_.

I know it's wrong, I do; and yet I keep doing it. _Hoping_ that maybe one day I won't be the other woman; yet _knowing_ deep down that I always will be.

I walk into your office and, for reasons I'm unsure of, I ask the same question that I ask every time - though I already know the answer. "Is there something I can help you with?"

You walk silently over to me, stand directly in front of me and reach your hand back, locking the door. And so it begins; I take my role in this game we play.

I lean down to kiss you, slowly unbuttoning your shirt as I do. I want to make this last, to appreciate every second, but you remind me that we don't have much time, as you always do, and my heart sinks.

_One day I'll learn to say no, one day I'll remember that I deserve better._ I replay the words like a mantra in my head as I pull open your belt, unzip your pants, and slip my hand inside to feel you write instantly against me.

I lose my concentration for a second, still my movements and focus on something behind you as I let my mind wonder to a place where this is different; where this is under different circumstances.

You notice. "Are you okay, Em?" I hate when you call me that – except I don't, that's the point.

I tell you that I'm fine and you buy it; you need this too much to let anything stop it, and you look almost grateful as the blatant lie fades from your ears and I force two fingers deep inside you.

The beautiful whimper, the small hands that clutch at my shoulders and the heated breath fanning against my lips as pick up an instant pace inside of you serves to shatter the remaining pieces of my heart. I'll pick up the pieces before I leave though, doctor them back together ready for the next time that you _need_ me. _God Jennifer, I hate you for this. No, I hate myself for this._

I allow my thumb to graze over your clit, the additional movement straining my wrists against the pants that you're still wearing. It hurts, it really hurts – but it's nothing in comparison, and actually, it's an almost welcome pain.

I feel your body tighten, and I move faster; I just want this over with now. But as you tense and then shudder in my arms, you say what you always do – the one thing that keeps me keep coming back for more, that forces me to return with my barely functioning heart for your careless hands to play with. "I love you, Emily."

_Do you really?_

Your head falls forward against my shoulder as my fingers slip from you, and I drape my arms around your waist whilst you get your bearings back. But soon enough your breathing steadies, your posture straightens and I feel the sting of tears burning behind my eyes as I watch you turn instantly away and fix your clothes.

You never say anything after that. You walk over to your desk, rest your palms against the wood and stand facing away from me until you hear the door close.

I get to the other side of the door, and with my hand still firmly on the handle, and with yet another tiny piece of me missing, I whisper. "I love you, too, Jennifer."


	2. So It Begins

**Author's Note: **I think I may be more nervous about putting this chapter up than I was the first for some reason, but I hope you enjoy. And I'd love to hear your opinions. :)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Criminal Minds.

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**Chapter Two – So It Begins..**

It never used to be this way. Or perhaps in the beginning, before I'd experienced my hopes being crushed at every opportunity, I just saw it differently - I was able to look forward to the future; _our future_.

I still remember the first night that it happened clearly. I remember the sweet smell of wine laced with your heated breath. I remember the way your hand trembled in mine as you leaned in to kiss me. I remember the way everything around us seemed to drift away when I felt the softness of your lips against mine. Everything seemed so perfect then, albeit in a twisted way; full of hope and possibilities that had yet to be tarnished.

I never expected you to follow me after what I'd said. Damn, I never expected to tell you how I felt in the first place, and it was certainly never meant to come out in an argument the way that it did. I always thought that the day I told you that I love you, if I ever did, would be memorable for better reasons - not because I'd drank copious amounts and couldn't deal with being told that you were moving in with a guy that, through your own admission, you weren't completely sure about.

But it did happen that way, and you did follow me.

When I heard you yell my name as I stepped beyond your front door and into the rain, I felt my stomach churn. I wasn't sure then why you followed me, and I'm even more unsure now why I didn't just continue walking away. In hindsight, it probably would have been better if I'd pretended that I hadn't heard you, but that isn't how it happened. And honestly, deep down, a part of me is glad that I stopped, is glad that I didn't ignore you - but possibly for the wrong reasons.

I couldn't turn to face you at first; I was still fighting with myself about what I should do. But as soon as I felt your hand on mine, everything melted away until I was left with no ability to think rationally or morally; no care to even try.

You told me not to leave, and before I had the chance to even try to protest, that's when you did it; the thing that was to turn my entire world upside down. Maybe at the core it was my fault for letting my feelings slip; but you didn't have to follow me, you didn't have to stop me from leaving, and you certainly didn't have to kiss me.

But you did; and honestly, I have to admit, I let you.

I didn't try to stop you as you pulled me back inside. I didn't even try to stop you as you pushed me against the now closed door and kissed me hard - far from it.

Instead, I let myself become consumed with want and took the lead in the situation, backing you towards the sofa; all the while questioning none of it. Perhaps I should have taken Will's feelings into consideration, or taken anything into consideration for that matter, but that's easy to say now; now that things have played out the way that they have. But at the time, God, I didn't care. Right then, right in that second, you were finally _mine_.

Feeling you move underneath me, breathing more heavily with each desperate shift of our bodies, only pushed me further into something that I should've known would end badly. But not one rational thought could get through after that. Not when my lips began a trail down your body, removing your clothing as I went. Not when I felt you tug hungrily at mine. And definitely not when I touched you for the first time and felt your body react beneath me.

I was so completely consumed by you, by every movement and every noise you made. I was lost in a bubble; _our bubble_. Right there, in that moment, the entire world disintegrated to nothing, and no part of me felt it's loss.

And as I quickened the pace of my thrusting fingers inside of you and felt your release for the first time; I knew right then that that would be a feeling I'd so easily become addicted to, a feeling that I was already addicted to. There was something so vulnerable about you as you clung to me, your arms tight around my neck - something so beautiful, and frankly, I never wanted it to end.

But it did.

As soon as you sat up, reaching instantly for your clothes as you did, I knew that this was never going to become anything more than what it had just been. I knew I'd never be able to wake up with you in my arms, or be the one you came home to at night. I should've listened to the voice inside my head then, but something in your eyes as I left your house that evening filled me with hope; a naive, desperate hope.


	3. Answers

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

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**Chapter Three – Answers**

After that night, it became an almost daily occurrence; mostly when we were away on a case, but it wasn't uncommon for you to turn up at my home unannounced at 2am. We never really discussed it; it just happened, it just was. And I let it; I was too afraid to do any different, too afraid to question it, too afraid of losing you.

We'd spend those nights in random hotel rooms across the country, just the two of us; completely lost in each others bodies and blissfully ignorant to the world, moving together as that world around us went on and yet at the same time seemed to stop completely, replacing our memories of the day's events the way we'd recently become accustomed to.

Over time, I slowly became consumed with thoughts about what it was that we were doing, what name could be put to it, what title could be put to us. But I'm unsure of what made me speak up that night in Delaware.

"Jen.. What is this? I mean.. between us.. what is this to you?" I became immediately angry with myself once the words left my mouth and broke the usual awkward, post-coital silence that filled the room as I buttoned up my shirt.

I'd fought with myself for so long over discussing our secret meetings with you. I think, deep down, I knew that you loved me in your own way, but I needed so desperately to hear it. I needed to know that you wanted, _needed_, more than this; just like I did. And though half of my conscience told me, _screamed_ at me even, that bringing it up could end the already little time that I got with you, I needed so badly to know what you were thinking.

You smiled at me as you walked over to sit beside me; the same smile that you used for the cameras - I hated that. Whether you realised it or not, I could see straight through it; I could see the pain you felt with this situation, with the lies and the deceit, and I almost felt guilty for reminding you and shoving it in your face.

"Em.." There was that name again. I don't know what it is about you calling me that that sends me into such a frenzy; maybe it was because it was like everything else regarding us; just _ours_. No one else called me Em, no one else was allowed; only _you_.

I forced myself to look at you before you continued, with a look on your face that I'd never seen before.

"Before I met you, I never realised anything could feel this way, should feel this way. I guess.. I never questioned it. The way life was meant to play out had already set its foundations in my head and I suppose I just followed. Adding the pieces to the puzzle as I went along. The house, the job, the _boyfriend_."

I stopped you there, unsure I wanted to hear anymore, but to my surprise, and possibly due to the alcohol you'd consumed earlier, you broke your usual ignorance to the situation and continued.

"No, Em.. I need to explain this to you.." You turned to face me and took both my hands in yours. "I started putting the pieces together but.. something was always missing, ya know? And then.. you turned up in my life out of the blue and suddenly everything started to make some form of twisted sense yet... at the same time completely dispelled any sense in my life."

You stopped there, almost as though you were afraid to say much more, or perhaps you saw the ending of your story for what it was – the ending that I wouldn't allow myself to see. And as silence descended on the room once more, I felt suddenly obligated to fix it. So I kissed you; a silent understanding.

I always did try to protect you from situations that so blatantly made you feel uncomfortable; I somehow felt that it was my responsibility. I mean, the point of my existence was to help you to forget those painful emotions, right? But looking back now, I wish I'd probed you to speak more. Maybe then I would have seen how difficult you really did and do find the whole situation; maybe then I would have seen that it was _too_ difficult and beyond the point of change.

We never discussed it again after that night but, though you may not have realised it, you'd simply fueled my hopes that one day you'd see that it didn't have to be this complicated, it didn't have to be this way, and you'd choose me. Over your families ideas of ideology. Over Will. Over it all. You'd choose _me_.

I left your hotel room that night filled with more hope, and quite honestly, a slight pang of giddiness; not knowing that it would be short lived.


	4. Congratulations

**Author's Note:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

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**Chapter Four – Congratulations**

I'm still not completely sure what I expected to happen the next time that I saw you, but what happened in reality fell very short from what I had hoped.

I was surprised to see Will sitting at the table in the bar with you, Morgan and Garcia as I arrived, and I felt a sudden wave of nausea pass through me.

You didn't look at me as I sat down; you didn't even look at me as an excited Garcia told me the _good news_. And when your eyes did eventually meet mine, there was that smile again; laced with guilt and subtly shrouded in an apology that I wasn't certain was meant for him or for me.

I kept my eyes on you as I felt my entire world crash down around me; my ignorance desperately trying to digest the information. _You're marrying him?_ I wanted to scream at you, yet becoming suddenly very aware of Morgan and Garcia, and even Will's eyes bearing down on me, waiting for me to say something; I composed myself.

"I.. Uh.. Congratulations." My eyes where still locked firmly on yours as I forced the words to leave my mouth with a smile; my years of experience with body language making that smile far more sincere than it was even close to. I think part of me was waiting for someone to tell me that it was all a joke, but the punch line never came – perhaps I _was_ the punch line.

I spent the rest of that night watching as you played out your fairytale; dancing with Will, smiling as he whispered sweet nothings into your ear, smiling even more as Garcia and Morgan brought more celebratory drinks to the table.

_God, I hate that smile_. I'm not sure what made me angrier; the fact that they couldn't see through it, or the fact that you were putting it on in the first place.

You barely looked at me, but when you did, that smile faded. You looked almost relieved; eye contact with me allowing you to stop the pretense for a brief second. But I wasn't willing to be part of it, and needed to get out of this now very claustrophobic room.

I felt anger rush through me as I splashed water on my face, and lifted my head to find that mine wasn't the only reflection in the mirror. I spun around, wholly intent on putting you in your place, but I didn't – as usual; I _didn't_. I vented that anger in a different way.

Your body met the wall with a resounding thud as I crushed my lips against yours; and you let me. I twisted your wrist in my hand as my knee forcefully nudged your thighs apart; and you let me. My thigh ground against you as I unzipped your jeans and pushed my hand into your panties; and you let me.

But then you whimpered, thrust back against my fingers, whispering your pleas – and it was enough to shake me from my haze of anger and lust.

I stared at you, willing you to say something, _anything_; but you didn't. You couldn't even look at me, and there was that anger again. "Do you ever feel anything!"

I didn't mean to slam you back against the wall as hard as I did, but as I fled the bathroom, I quite frankly didn't care - I just wanted to be as far away from you as possible.

I barely made it past my front door before I broke down. _How the fuck can she be doing this?_

My entire world spun as I sat on the cold floor with my back against the door. And though almost every part of me screamed that this was my cue to walk away, and stay away, that tiny part of me that craved for something more, that tiny part of me that craved _you_, was telling me over and over that this wasn't happening - that it was a test, that I needed to fight for you.


	5. Typical

**Author's Note:** I've taken a little longer than usual to update this time. I struggled slightly with this chapter; something about it just didn't sit right with me, but I think I've fixed that now. So I hope it doesn't disappoint. And thank you so much for the reviews; I love to hear what you think. Keep 'em coming! :)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

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**Chapter Five – Typical**

I don't actually remember making it to my bed that night, but I must have done because the next thing that I do remember is waking up in my clothes, on top of my duvet and dripping with sweat. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks when I opened my eyes, and I wasn't sure what was worse; that, or the suddenly painful memory of the dream that I'd just endured.

I played it over and over in my head, relentless and tormenting.

I couldn't really make anything out at first; all I could see was you. You stood there with your back to me in a long, ivory dress that seemed to flow fluidly, _perfectly_, over every curve of your body. I couldn't help but smile; you looked beautiful. _Stunning_, in fact; almost angelic.

It was only when you turned to face me that I noticed the desperate look you were carrying, and that's when everything else around you became clear. The pews filled with faceless people; the middle-aged vicar stood in front of you; the proud family around you; _t__he__ man stood beside you_.

The look on your face seemed to grow more desperate and lost by the second, and I felt myself fighting to get to you; but the closer I got, the further you became. And the times I did get close, I was blocked by the laughing faces of people I'd never met.

_Typical_. I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it all. Here I was five hours after you'd ripped my heart out, and still even in my dreams, I was trying to protect you. I should've seen an evil, manipulative woman who was breaking my heart. I should've hated you for what you were doing to me. But instead I saw the lost face of the woman I love staring back at me, pleading for me to help her.

Maybe that was my subconscious' way of telling me that you weren't evil, or even manipulative; that in actual fact you needed me. But I wouldn't, _couldn't_, admit that to myself right now - I was too angry with you; with myself. What good would it do anyway?

I must have laid there for around half an hour, replaying it to myself, torturing myself and becoming angrier by the minute. I genuinely don't know if that anger was directed at you for what you'd done, or at myself for having this innate need to protect you; for, even when it did me absolutely no good, and in fact made it worse, still wanting to keep you safe; for not being able to hate you even in my dreams; for being a complete pushover for _you_.

My head was spinning. Every part of my brain seemed to be at war with the next.

Trying not to think about you for the rest of that day took every ounce of energy from me. I busied myself in paper work and pretty much anything I could find; anything to keep my own thoughts from torturing me, anything to keep myself from even laying eyes on you. Just.. _you_. Anything to do with _you_.

I'd become so lost in my own little world that I visibly jumped when I heard you say my name as I stood quietly making coffee in the break room. I told you that I didn't want to talk when I eventually turned around, but I think I knew myself that that little charade wouldn't hold up very long. And just as I'd thought; it really didn't.

You followed me around the room like a lost puppy as I pretended to be busy, trying so hard to explain yourself, and though for the most part I didn't want to hear it, I suddenly felt guilty and stopped to listen to what you had to say.

"I'm sorry, Em. I really am.. You weren't meant to find out this way."

Those words rung through my head like a fog horn. _Find out this way? There shouldn't be anything to for me to find out at all! Is it not bad enough that you're fucking both of us?_ I said nothing.

"You know I love you.. It's just really not that easy.."

Again, I said nothing.

"Em, please.. Can I see you tonight? We really need to talk about this.."

I'm not sure if it was my sudden need to be out of that room, or the thought of having the night with you that made me agree, but I did nonetheless. Although, I'm not sure why I'm surprised at this.


	6. Those Few Small Words

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

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**Chapter Six – Those Few Small Words**

You turned up at my door at eight like we'd agreed, your hair clinging to you from the rain. I couldn't help but stare at you - you always looked your most beautiful when you didn't realise it.

After I'd let you in, you took up what had become your usual spot on my sofa with a confident look, just as you had done so long ago with my heart, and smiled at me as if our conversation earlier hadn't happened, as if none of the past twenty-four hours had happened.

That made me angry.

Though I wanted to scream at you, to make you see everything you'd done, everything you were _still_ doing to me; I had this almost painful need in my stomach to curl up next to you and help you to warm up. But I had to be strong. "Jen, I-"

You cut me off. "I'm... gonna leave him, Em."

I couldn't actually believe what I was hearing, and had to ask you to repeat it.

"I want you... I can't keep pretending just to suit other people and it's gone too far and.. I.. I'm gonna leave him.."

My entire body went numb as I listened to you say the words that I'd wanted to hear for so long. And if I'm honest, I think I genuinely believed you; stupidly, I believed you.

All my efforts to stand up to you had completely melted away at the point of hearing those few small words. I thought I was stronger than that. I could deal with seeing the most horrifying sights daily and somehow be okay, yet when it came to you, my strength was that of a mouse.

I should've realised when you didn't want to talk about it further than that, instead initiating the physical and only part of our relationship, that your words were never going to make it to fruition. Maybe I should've even realised before that, when I noticed the waver in your voice as you told me of your intentions. But I was so intoxicated by the thought of finally being able to have you to myself after so long, that I never bothered to question it. Any questioning thoughts that I did have never made it past the first hurdle.

That night will stay forever engraved on my brain. It was so different to any other time we'd spent together; there was something far more tender about it, like you'd for that short time finally let yourself feel what you'd fought so hard not to. I guess a part of me took it, or wanted desperately to, as an indication of our future; an indication that the lies, and the secrets, and the creeping around was over; an indication that we could finally be happy - _together_.

As I moved to sit by you on the sofa I began to let every tiny bit of love I had ever felt for you pour out into actions. My every thought, every feeling and every emotion I'd ever had about you, but kept so desperately to myself, I let out; ignoring the incredibly vulnerable position that it would ultimately leave me in.

I showed you how _beautiful_ I thought you were as I traced gentle lines over every curve of your body. I showed you that I understood how _fragile_ you really were with delicate kisses, yet how _strong_ I knew you could be as I held your right hand down with one hand, and used the other to move inside you. I showed you that you were _safe_ with me as I held you tight through your release.

I showed you how _comfortable_ I felt with you as I let you undress me, and complied happily with your every demand. I showed you how _vulnerable_, yet so completely _safe_ I felt with you as I lay trembling beneath you, not once breaking eye contact as I felt you against me.

And as I wrapped you up in my arms as you drifted off to sleep, I showed you how much _I love you_.

I fell more in love with you with every kiss and touch, with every movement and sound. And though surrounding events were far from ideal, that night is one memory that I never want to become tainted.


	7. Wherever I Am

**Disclaimer:** I do own Criminal Minds.

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**Chapter Seven – Wherever I Am**

I woke at around 4am to you quietly gathering your clothes that had been strewn across the room just a few hours before. I didn't say anything, just watched you, and smiled to myself as the memories of the night came flooding back. _Finally_, I was going to be able to call you mine.

I laughed quietly as I watched you redress yourself; leaving off your bra which you seemed unable to locate. I was going to say something to you, let you know that I was awake, but then I noticed the look on your face as you turned slightly towards the light. Everything seemed to fall into place then - I hate knowing you that well.

I remained silent as you finished dressing and gathered the rest of your belongings. I watched through slightly open eyes as you headed for the door and hesitated slightly with your back to me; seemingly wanting to say something, as if you knew I was awake - as if you were aware that I'd just seen the look on your face, and knew what it meant. And I watched as you thought better of it, and left my apartment without so much as a goodbye.

After I heard the faint sound of your car door closing, I got up from the sofa, walked towards the window, and pulled the curtain back slightly. I could see you sat in your car; your hands on the wheel, staring straight ahead but not moving. I wanted to go out to you but something stopped me. I watched you for a moment longer then returned to the sofa.

I sat lost in the silence for a few minutes until I heard your engine start. At that moment half of my body seemed to pull towards you, wanting to stop you from leaving, but the other didn't stir, didn't even respond - the half that had seen the look on your face for what it really was; regret, guilt, finality.

Slowly, as the rest of my body caught up with the other half, I began to piece everything together. It all became so clear; excruciatingly clear.

You were never going to leave him. You were never going to give up your fairytale, no matter how much you wanted to. You just didn't have it in you to destroy him that way, to destroy your family's hopes and dreams. You were right, this really had gone too far, but I became aware then that it wasn't me you were going to choose when this game was over.

You haven't been at work in the three days since that night. I don't know why - _personal time_ is what I was told, but not by you. I've heard nothing from you. It's been hell arguing with myself, stopping myself from calling you. Though, I think a part of me is glad that you haven't been in touch, and even more glad that I haven't given in to myself. It makes what I have to do so much easier.

I meant it when I said that I wanted nothing to taint the memory of that night - of that night until I watched you leave, I should say. I never want anything to ruin that, because that is the memory I want to forever hold foremost of us; not this, not this mess of chaos and destruction that we became.

The look I saw on your face as I watched you leave that night told me that nothing good was going to happen any time we met after and I could no longer play ignorance to that. I couldn't face you; face hearing that it's over; that you're going to give it a chance with Will. And more than that, I couldn't face you telling me that you still loved me despite that; that it 'wasn't about that'; that you just didn't have a choice.

But you did have a choice. Just as I did; just as I do now.

And that is why, as you read this, I'm on a plane somewhere over the US; my transfer set in stone.

I'm not going to stop you anymore, Jennifer. I won't be the reason that you're constantly at war with yourself. It isn't healthy, for either of us.

I know that once you're done reading this, you'll allow yourself a few minutes before composing yourself, putting on that smile that over time has become your safety, and heading out to face the world. You'll store this memory along with the others in the box marked 'us', and leave it there until one day it's too full to keep closed. But I can't be there to help you with that anymore.

Until you can completely admit to yourself what _you_ feel, until you can figure out what it is that _you_ want, you'll never be able to admit it to me, or anyone else. And until that day comes, I can't be there to help you fight off your demons. Though, I think if we're both honest, that day is never going to come.

But when you get home tonight, and Will greets you at the door with a kiss and asks you how your day was; as you sit there acting out another person's fantasy; as you struggle to keep the lid on that box - I want you remember a few things:

You're the girl who stands out in every room she enters.

You're the girl who manages to keep faith in humanity; never letting the horrors we see daily, the awful things that people do to each other, destroy that when it so easily could.

You're the girl who takes on a million times more than she can handle, just to help others.

You're the girl who naturally radiates kindness, a genuine warmth, to everyone you meet.

You're the girl who cares so deeply about other people that you'll live a lie to suit them.

You're the girl who manages to make my head spin just by saying my name.

You're the girl I'm in love with.

Wherever I am.


End file.
